Conflict Resolution and Coaching Engineers

Conflict is inevitable on engineering teams. Technical disagreements, interpersonal friction, and cross-team tensions are part of the job. What separates strong EMs from weak ones is not the absence of conflict but the ability to resolve it constructively and coach people through it. This is one of the highest-signal areas in EM interviews.

Types of Conflict You Must Address

Interpersonal Conflict

Two engineers who clash on communication styles, work habits, or personalities. Example: a senior engineer who gives blunt code review feedback that a junior engineer perceives as hostile.

Technical Disagreements

Engineers who disagree on architecture, technology choices, or implementation approaches. Example: one engineer advocates for a microservices migration while another insists the monolith is sufficient.

Cross-Team Conflict

Teams with competing priorities, unclear ownership boundaries, or dependency disputes. Example: your team needs the platform team to build an API, but the platform team's roadmap is full.

A Conflict Resolution Framework

Use this four-step approach when mediating conflict:

Step 1: Listen Separately Meet with each party individually first. Let them share their full perspective without interruption. Your goal is to understand not just the facts but the underlying emotions and needs.

Step 2: Identify the Root Cause Most conflicts are not about the surface issue. A "technical disagreement" may really be about feeling excluded from decisions. A "personality clash" may reflect unclear role boundaries. Ask "what would need to be true for you to feel good about the outcome?"

Step 3: Facilitate a Joint Conversation Bring both parties together. Set ground rules: no interrupting, focus on the problem not the person, and seek solutions rather than assigning blame. Reframe positions as interests -- "you both want the system to be reliable; you disagree on the approach."

Step 4: Agree on Actions and Follow Up Every mediation must end with concrete next steps, owners, and a follow-up date. Check in within one week to ensure the agreement is holding.

Coaching Underperformers with 30-60-90 Day Plans

When an engineer is not meeting expectations, a structured coaching plan is more effective than vague feedback. The 30-60-90 day plan creates clear milestones:

Phase	Focus	Success Criteria
Days 1-30	Diagnose and stabilize	Identify specific gaps together; agree on 2-3 concrete improvement areas; provide daily or weekly check-ins
Days 31-60	Build momentum	Engineer demonstrates measurable improvement in identified areas; independently completes assigned tasks; actively seeks feedback
Days 61-90	Sustain and validate	Engineer consistently meets expectations without close oversight; contributes proactively; peers notice improvement

Key principles:

Be specific. "Improve code quality" is useless. "Reduce code review revision cycles from 4 rounds to 2 rounds on average" is actionable.
Provide support, not just expectations. Pair them with a mentor, reduce their task load temporarily, or provide targeted training.
Document everything. Written records protect both you and the engineer. Share notes after every check-in.
Be honest about outcomes. If improvement does not materialize by day 90, escalate to a formal PIP with HR partnership.

Career Coaching for High Performers

Coaching is not only for underperformers. Your highest-impact engineers need active career development too:

Map their career goals. In a dedicated 1:1, ask: "Where do you want to be in 2 years? What skills do you need to get there?"
Create stretch assignments. Give them projects that operate one level above their current role -- leading a cross-team initiative, mentoring a junior engineer, or owning a technical design review.
Sponsor, do not just mentor. Mentoring is giving advice. Sponsoring is advocating for them in rooms they are not in -- calibration meetings, promotion discussions, and staffing conversations.
Provide growth feedback, not just positive feedback. High performers often receive only praise, which stunts their development. Use SBI to highlight areas where they can grow further.

Skip-Level Meetings

Skip-level meetings (meeting with your reports' reports) are a powerful tool for building trust and uncovering issues:

Frequency: Monthly or bi-monthly, 30 minutes each
Purpose: Understand team health, surface concerns that may not reach you, and build relationships two levels deep
Questions to ask: "What is the biggest thing slowing your team down?" "Is there anything you wish your manager did differently?" "What would you change about how we work?"
Critical rule: Never use skip-level information to undermine the direct manager. If you hear concerning feedback, coach the manager privately rather than acting on it directly.

Navigating Difficult Conversations

EM interviews frequently include role-play scenarios for difficult conversations. Use this structure:

Open with empathy and intent. "I want to have a candid conversation because I care about your growth on this team."
State the observation using SBI. Be factual and specific.
Pause and listen. Give the other person space to respond. You may learn context that changes your understanding.
Collaborate on a path forward. "What do you think we should do differently?" is more effective than dictating a solution.
Confirm alignment. Summarize what was agreed and schedule a follow-up.

The most common mistake in difficult conversations is avoiding them entirely. Interviewers look for evidence that you lean into discomfort rather than waiting for problems to resolve themselves.

Next, we will explore how to build and scale high-performing engineering teams -- from Tuckman's team development model to psychological safety and modern team topologies. :::